eBay had the Q2 2008 earnings call yesterday. The first one with John Donahoe at the wheel. There were decreases. They were blamed on things such as removal of fakes (what?), the economy (shouldn't eBay do better when people are hunting for bargains?), and added supply, which lowers conversion rates (Buy.com?).
Do you suppose the fact that people are leaving for Amazon in droves may play a part? My eBook which teaches eBay sellers the basics of getting started on Amazon.com is called, "Selling on the River" and it's having great success. That tells me something.
Anyway, I got to thinking of all the talk of "taking the wheel," "roadmaps", and all that travel talk and imagined all the eBay executives on a road trip to Pittsburgh. I thought it'd be interesting to be a fly on the windshield (the inside) and listen to their conversations. It's all just below this cool graphic I made up just to help you imagine it too:
John Donahoe: See ya Meg! Thanks for everything!
(door slams - everyone giggles) "ROAD TRIP!" they all shout.
The car takes off with John, Lorrie, Rajiv, and Stephanie.
Lorrie Norrington: Pittsburgh here we come! John, you have the roadmap right?
John: Yep. Right here. Rajiv, you'll navigate okay?
Rajiv: I sure will. I have a new navigation system that will get us exactly where we want to go. It's called Best Match Navigation - I type in the city and it picks the right one every time! P-I-T-T-S...Hey! Got it already! Lets lock it in.
John: I'm pulling over for a minute, I should check under the hood.
Stephanie Tilenius: It seems like it's running fine. Are you a mechanic John?
John: No, but I've ridden in cars my whole life. - I'll be right back.
He lifts the hood, and comes back holding a couple of dirty, well-used parts between his index finger and thumb (as if they stink). He seems disgusted.
John: I don't know who left this stuff under the hood, look how dirty! Yuk. Lets toss them out.
Lorrie: Don't we need them? It seemed like the car was running fine.
John: Nawwww! Listen. The car is running, lets go. You know? I think I'm going to make some more changes to this old girl. It might slow us down a little for awhile, but just wait - you'll see. It's gonna be a LOT better once I'm done.
As they go further, they notice the car slowing down. A lot of noise starts coming from the engine. To make matters worse, they don't seem to be getting closer to Pittsburgh.
John: Well just like I said, we're slowing down. But it's going to speed up any time. Why are people waving and yelling at us? They seem mad...is that smoke? Lorrie do you smell anything?
Lorrie: Let's stop for a sec. Stephanie and I are going to look under the hood too. Rajiv, could you double-check the Best Match nav system? Something doesn't look right. Be right Back!
More noises and clunking under the hood. Lorrie comes back with more parts from the engine. Stephanie has masking tape, paint, and a fender.
Stephanie: That did some good. You won't recognize this car by the time we get to Pittsburgh. It's looking great!
Rajiv (annoyed, from the back seat): Didn't I type in Pittsburgh? Because we're heading to PittsFIELD! Crap. Let me try again... P-I-T-T-S...
Lorrie: John, look at all those people - they're waving and yelling at us. They're upset, oh we've driven over their lawns, ooops, I think we hit someone's store too. Well, we don't have time to stop and talk, they'll figure out what happened when they try to open for business tomorrow.
John: Yeah, it's just a lot of noise. Let's keep going. This car is really slowing down. Look at that boat right there on the River - it's passing us!
Rajiv: Grrr! I can't believe this thing! This nav system is not working right at all, we're gonna have to turn up here John, that sign says Pittsville not Pittsburgh. Gheez, this is frustrating! I'll try again...P-I-T-T-S...
John: Whew! It's getting hot in here - and what is that NOISE? Rajiv, where did you get that stupid navigation system? eBay? Hahaha!
(Everyone laughs - except Rajiv.)
Rajiv: No I bought it from you John, remember? You tried selling it on eBay and the buyer never paid. Don't you remember? They left you negative feedback.
(Now no one is laughing...)
John: Well, it seems like the noise is dying down. In fact - a bunch of those people are getting on that boat. Goooood riddance!! Troublemakers. What River is that by the way?...
(Cell phone rings)
Stephanie: Hey John, there is some kind of analyst on the phone - he wants to know why you're going so slow.
John: Tell him, uhhh, tell him we're going slow because of the weather. Things will be picking up very soon though, what we've been doing is working. Tell him that.
(She tells him.)
Stephanie: Ok, he said he thought this car was designed to do good in this weather.
John: Uhhmmmm, tell him we took some of the fake parts off the car, and now it's going a lot slower, it's going to get better. We'll just keep doing what we're doing.
(She tells him.)
Stephanie: He said it seems like the car would do better after removing the fakes. He wants to know if...
Suddenly, John grabs the phone from Stephanie and throws it out the window.
John: There. Too much noise. Lets just hold the course. This thing will pick up. Hey, if we tried getting on the River, maybe we could move a little faster. We need to be more like that boat. Can you even see that boat anymore?
Rajiv: (exasperated) You know what? This is ridiculous! This Best Match doesn't work. This isn't Pittsburgh, it's just the PITTS! I'm getting out. John, stop the car. Nevermind we weren't moving...
I'll see you guys, I'm walking.
As Rajiv walks into the sunset, and traffic increases on the River...John, Lorrie, and Stephanie can be seen asking a passing trucker for a lift. The big truck he's driving says Buy.com on the side...hmmmmm.
Find out more about "the River" - Learn to sell on Amazon.com at www.SellingOnTheRiver.com
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{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
OMG I Am ROTFLMAO… That was so funny and so true.
You are talented :-)
SoldShipNow
You have a very active imagination…that was excellent!
Thanks for the fun read. The best 2Q commentary on the state of eBay!
LOL! That is choice! I felt like I was there! Oh yeah, right, I WAS there. LOL But not any more.
ROFL! That is priceless! You’ve really summed up the whole eBay road to nowhere :-)
That was excellent and describes the whole disaster very nicely.
The very reasons why I have quit eBay and now sell on http://www.Ebid.net and http://www.Tazbar.com
Excellent piece.
One thing’s for sure, eBay will never be the same again but it sure is levelling the playing field … all sellers are now in the same boat ;-)
And those who can’t get onto that boat are to be found on eBid, Etsy, Tazbar, Oztion and the numerous other sites which are now doing so much better.
Fantastic! Nice bit of photoshopping there.
John’s car is like those you see in the ghetto, 4 flat space-saver spares and steam blowing out from where the engine used to be before it was run out of oil. Have a nice trip!
So funny! And so true! The higher ups at ebay are probably reading this and saying “I don’t get it” – just like they always seem to do.